The Monologue

This counts as a project, yes? Yes, I guess it really does.

Whenever I start something like this, I get the inner monologue rolling. And it doesn’t stop. I never know how to make it stop apart from writing down everything that comes to my mind.

This post, for example? I’ve probably been thinking about it since I made the previous one a little bit ago. Don’t ask me why. It seems like my way of thinking strives to systematize whatever I’m feeling into words and sentences that go on and on and on. My inner voice turns into that annoying little cousin that just won’t shut up.

I can only contain the monologue for so long before it starts overflowing and keeping me awake at night or distracting me from whatever I’m trying to read or do. For just this once I’ve decided that I’d be writing it down. It might work, it might not. It might end up like the hundreds of sketches that never get even close to a final outline, or like those abandoned crochet pieces, or like… I don’t know. Everything I’ve ever started and left off.

It’s as if I take more fun in the planning than the realization. Maybe because I’m afraid the end result won’t meet up to my expectations. It’s hard to see clear through the jumble of words that come out.

It feels a bit better to just let the words come to me and let them go by writing them here. It feels somewhere between “stream of consciousness” writing and mindfulness meditation. Will being aware of my thoughts reduce their grip on me?


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